The Estrangement Epidemic
There is so much rhetoric I hear about estrangement being an epidemic caused by therapists and over pathology of family dynamics. And here are my current thoughts on the subject:
Access points: Our families of origin have exponentially more access to us than ever before. They can know our exact location at any given moment (if we give them that info). They can see what we're up to on social media. They can communicate with us at any moment on a whim via text or email.
I remember watching my dad call his parents every Sunday. And usually the call was not more than 20 minutes. They would catch up, share relevant news or info and usually talk about hockey (Go Pens!). That was the entirety of the communication. No more and no less was what was expected by both parties. Both parties understood that life is busy and that no news is good news. This is not the case anymore.
The access has changed and become so much more. As we have become more accessible by the members of our family of origin, the expectations for communication have also evolved. I think this is true in general but especially with families where the culture can be “if i dont hear back from you in x time, then i take that personally and assume something is wrong” (lots of emotional immaturity in this response but that is not the purpose of this particular musing)
Visibility: is this an epidemic? Or do we just have tik tok now?
Things that used to be kept behind closed doors, confined to landlines and answering machines, handwritten letters and journals, are now public knowledge.
I watched a tik tok yesterday where a mother in law was sharing (a nice word for complaining) about not being allowed in the delivery room to support her son meanwhile the person pushing the human out of her body, had the support of her mother. I felt like I was in this person’s bathroom with her listening to her spill the tea while she put on her mascara. A very private musing, hurt, point of contention, for all the world to see.
So, is estrangement more widespread, or are we just more informed because people live their lives in public now?
Therapy: therapy used to be for “crazy people” who needed serious help. The thought of the average person with some family conflict going to therapy was unheard of.
Mental health was not a consideration for previous generations. If you were sad, it meant you needed to pray harder, work harder, or drink more. “Life is hard. Quit bitching and get over it”.
Therapy (if it's good) is a reflection of inherent worth and value. Many times the family of origin instills the opposite. No on purpose but just because of circumstances or lack of information. Having a sense of inherent worth and value is the origin of all positive changes.
How do we survive a world without feeling like we deserve to survive this world? Therapy helps.
Speaking of inherent worth, when our value is reflected back to us and we begin to believe that we deserve good things, we may tolerate less bad things. Because we have wider access to resources that reflect our goodness, we may expect interactions that are kind, respectful, and considerate in all of our relationships. We may learn that in healthy relationships, we should not be walking around with fear, guilt, anxiety, and pre occupation for someone else’s well being. These are all things I learned in therapy and hope to teach my clients.
In summary, more access necessitates more boundaries. Higher visibility makes things feel like they have never happened before when really they are just more visible now. Therapy is useful and in my opinion pretty necessary for surviving life right now.
So, is it an epidemic? I doubt it.
But also, what does it matter?
If you are someone who is living through estrangement from someone you love, how does it help you to blame tik tok, therapists, and millenials?
Is that bringing your loved one back into your life? No.
It keeps you out of taking accountability for your part in the relationship and focuses on the problem as if it's outside of yourself. There is probably not much you can do about an epidemic, so this rhetoric keeps you in a powerless position in the problem. And typically what estranged adult children are asking for (as evidenced by my work, my research, and my personal experience) is true amends and accountability. So, you can hold that opinion, but it won't really help you reconcile.