Estrangement is trending
“Adult child estrangement is a trend”
“Their therapist influenced them to leave the relationship”
“They’re just following tiktok trends”
“its cool to be estranged nowadays”
Spoiler alert: i am not hearing these things from the actual estranged adult chilldren I work with.
There seems to be a new demographic forming in my practice, in my community, and in the world. Some people are calling adult child estrangement a “trend” claiming that adult children have been influenced into walking away from the people that created them.
Calling this choice a trend is rather reductionistic when you consider all the consequences of this choice. And when you consider what it actually takes to stand untethered in the world. As if estrangement is as simple as picking up a pair of wide leg jeans and deciding a week later that you look terrible in wide leg jeans.
Choosing to become an estranged adult child is nowhere near that simple. Often this choice takes years of consideration, trying different options, changing oneself in the adult child dynamic and making extra considerations for other relationships or resources that may be lost.
Here are just some of the losses that adult children take on when they choose to estrange:
-loss of access to holiday traditions and celebrations
-loss of access to siblings or other auxiliary relationships
-loss to access to financial support
-loss of inheritance
-loss of additional child care support
-loss of grandparent relationships for children
-loss of access to childhood belongings or records
-loss of potential attendance at family events, weddings, funerals, graduations etc.
And so much more.
When you consider the inherent loss that an adult child chooses to endure, it feels really dismissive to consider their choice a “trend” and I also understand why this rhetoric exists.
If an adult child is being “influenced” or under the spell of a trend, this implies a powerlessness on the other parties’ behalf. There is nothing a parent of an adult child can do to repair something that they did not cause. If an adult child is following a trend, there is an absolution of responsibility of the dynamic. There is nothing to be done about someone choosing wide leg jeans.
This rhetoric ignores the inherent power dynamic of the parent/child relationship. Parents have an inherent responsibility to be the emotional care takers and leaders of their children. It’s their job to help their children emotionally regulate, and become successful caretakers of themselves. This lack of accountability does not model any of those things. Instead of asking “what did I do to cause my child to make this incredibly painful choice”, those who explain adult child estrangement as a “trend” miss out on opportunities to know and be closer to their children.
I know that we all create and become loyal to stories that make us feel better. Our brains are naturally wired for confirmation bias. Sometimes it feels better to be powerless planted firmly in the position of being victimized by a therapist or by tiktok or by the influence of the other parent than endure the pain of looking in the mirror with brutal honesty. We all avoid accountability in some situations. Its too painful to acknowledge how our behavior has not matched up with who we say we are in the world. Your kids can have compassion for that and hold their boundaries at the same time.
For parents who are estranged out there, if this rhetoric makes you feel better in your current situation, I'm not judging. You have to do what you need to do to feel ok in your life. But I want you to know, in the process of feeling better, you’re missing out on a chance to repair and understand your child better.
For estranged children, I see how much you are grieving. I know there are lots of folks out there judging you. If you left a relationship that was harming you, you are incredible. You’re not following a trend you’re making an intentional choice.