Nuance Neccesities
When our frame of reference for the world is black and white, we can only see things as reward or punishment. When these are our glasses, we can only see things in bifurcated simplifications that distill everything down to good or evil.
What’s not a compliment, is an automatic insult.
Anything that’s not positive is inherently negative.
The truth is that this lens serves us when we are small. It helps us determine which situations are safe and which are not. It lets us know who likes us and who does not. It tells us if we are right or wrong, if we are doing something good or bad.
If we can make those determinations, then we can hold on to connections that we need for our survival.
However, this remains an immature and underdeveloped way to source information. This lens ignores the nuance that is inherent in human life and living in a way that’s aligned with our values and identities.
And it really doesn’t help our relationships.
Lets look at an example:
I walk into my living room after a morning of self care. I have had my nails done, my hair cut, my eyebrows waxed. I greet my husband with a hug and a little reunion kiss, a symbol of “I’ve been out in the world but everything is ok between us”. He is affectionate with me but he says nothing about my appearance.
I go about my day, dishes, laundry, work, toddler tyranny. He says nothing.
“Doesn't he notice that i have put effort into my appearance? Doesn't he think I look pretty? What if he doesnt think that? He must not think that because he hasn't said anything. He is probably not attracted to me anymore. He hates me”
The rigid loyalty to the good or bad thinking here led me to a place of disconnection in my head. I assigned thoughts to him about me that he may or may not be having. This does not make me want to connect further.
This thinking train is taking me one place and one place only
fighting town
Lately I have been reflecting on how this frame of reference is handed to so many of us. How the adults in our lives (almost always unintentionally) teach us to see the world in this way. If we don't hear “good job” after the completion of a task, does that mean we did a “bad” job?
The truth is that my husband had a day too. He took care of our daughter, went to work, dealt with customers, wasn’t feeling great, got disturbing news about someone he cares about. The truth is that he didn't notice my haircut because he had a lot going on. Or he didn't say anything because he just didn't have the bandwidth to have a conversation about my haircut, or to set limits about having that conversation, so he said nothing to take care of himself. Or he meant to say something but the baby was screaming about GABBY CAT so his attention shifted.
Nuance.
Its what’s in the middle of the good and the bad.
The reward and the punishment.
The compliment and the insult.
So much of what people do, say, choose, is not about us at all. There are so many complicated reasons why someone might choose to take that job, spend that money, say that thing (or not) and so often, those reasons have almost nothing to do with the other person.
If you are the only person who can really know your inner landscape, then you are the only person fully equipped to take care of it.
So, make choices that are about you, in your best interest and in emotional maturity, I won't take your choices personally.